another day , another .. ?

blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. I hate early mornings. Missing my babys.

daddy's little girl?

YEEEEEEAH, so I just got back home not too long ago from spending time with my otha family. I had a great time!

- uh , so I found out my dad's in jail for some dumb reason. I hope he's doing fine. Well I don't know. he's never been okay from what I hear. He's never been the same. I wish I could meet him, but my scared ass doesn't have the guts too. Everytime he's brought up I break down and shiver inside. He was never in my life, how could it be that he makes me feel so helpless?

Crazy, I miss him.. well I can't miss him, there's nothing to miss.. I just want him.

-__-

Don't you just hate it when someone you want doesn't know what they want, yet they act like they do? yeah it's stupid. no better yet, I'm stupid.

I am really excited for the starfield concert tomorrow!!

Gah, It's been awhile since I've been THIS excited to go out and do something besides going to church.. Lol wellllllllllllls olti is complaining gota go.

This isn't right at all. I really want to be with god right now. I am so happy I get to go to youthgroup tonight. I feel bad though for not helping out olti.. but It's okay I'm always gonna be here anyways. I can never miss out on my god. Anyways, my dear .. my dear..errrmm.. I don't know what's going on. I'm a little scared of what's going to happen but I have to accept how things are now... even if I don't like it..

write more in a bit .

- okay so I just got back from youthgroup. nd it was great as always! I brang my little brother with me :] haha cute cute. anyways I'm still confused though. I'm lost. AND I DONT LIIIIKES IT.

guilty is charged

Wow. I never knew I could feel so guilty about taking someone's love away.. I don't even know this person. I didn't even mean to. I don't know if I should feel happy because I have him, or sad because he's not suppose to be with me.

I can see that this person really loves this guy. I know that they really loved each other. I feel how this person feels. I know how it feels & it's like the worst feeling ever. I feel like he should turn back to her, but it's like I don't want him to be hurt anymore because of this person. I don't know. It's like when I read what this person had to say, I feel like things aren't right anymore. It's weird. I shouldn't feel this way I should just forget about it because I don't even know this person.. But yet I have empathy for this person.

I feel like I'm just a re-bound now that I think about it. I'm never gonna have the real thing like this. Their's is real. He doesn't deserve me, he deserves her even though that this person put him through a lot a lot a lot. like a lot. The love was still there. He asks me to help him get over her. But that is so hard. How am I suppose to get rid of her? All of the memories, 3 yrs of his life? I can't do that. I can't . I want to be there for him I do, I just don't think it's right to be here anymore. I don't want to cause anymore pain, suffering or missing. SHE needs him as much as HE needs her. He may say that he would never want that again, that he's done with it all. That he doesn't need it. That I'm helping him get his mind off her already. But I see it in his eyes that deep down he still misses her. He may not want to be her anymore. but he misses her. he loves her. they have so much in common together. I somewhat like the things she likes. It's not easy for me esp. that I have so much feeling for him now.. I don't know what's going anymore. I don't want to loose him. but it's like something I'm gonna have to do sooner or later.

God I hate the fact that I know that things between him & I are never gonna be the real thing. I can already feel it in the back of my gut.

Unless I'm wrong about all this and things between him & I do become real I'll like that. BUT until then, I don't even know..

UGH, does he even really feel the way he says he does? Does he even feel the same way I Do?? is he even going to be something to me that I could call love? Is he just talking to me to get his mind off her? What's even going on? What's even happening? Why am I even thinking about all this? Why are there SOO many questions yet there's like one or three questions to be answered everything left unsaid? What is it? Is this suppose to happen? Everything happens for a reason. What's the reason for this? Is he ever going to get over her? I'm being selfish and all I want from him is love. He's not gonna give it to me I know. Why can't I just wait ? Why do things like this always happen to me? When is it ever going to be my turn ? God can you answer that for me please? I know I don't need anyone to be happy, I'm happy already with all the things that I have. But it's like everyone loves. UGH I know I'm too young for love. Maybe it's just not the time for me yet. I should stop complaining. Everythings fine. Why am I complaining? I don't know. I'm just.. tired.. Maybe I just need to be more careful. Or maybe I should just shut up and forget about this. yeah? Yeah . I should just stop myself here & wait. I'll just be here for him, he needs the help I can't be rude and leave him thinking too much . I can't . I understand how he feels. I'll just be here for him, like I've been doing. And I don't know, maybe I'll be wrong about this and things will change . Who knows, I just gotta have faith.

silly rabbit, trix are for kids

haha so it's thursday morning & I have to go to school in 6 minutes. make that 9 minutes. Anyways I just got done eating my breakfast. and it happens to be MR SAM BACK'S BIRTHDAAAY . YAYYYYY haha. whoooo , hopefully I get my geometry hw done tonight. I hope EVERYONE is doing good. If not , go fix that man. Well yeah don't you just hate it when you eat cereal and there's that weird feeling at the top of your gums? Yeah I hate it. But uh.. Yeah happy happy birthday nacho haha. I reaaaally want to go to the puyallup fair ;( someone take me? And last but not least, it's soo close to being winterr! <3 <3 yesss. snowsnowsnow :D Mk I think that's all for now. fairwell!

It's 9:18pm on a Tuesday night. Today was the day I had to feed my frogs + fish. haha Um it was also my first day @ work, AND first night I made dinner! :D It was delicious I must say. I made Shitake mushrooms with basil tomatoe & feta cheese pasta.. mmmmmmmmm. Bringing some for lunch tmrw ;] Anyways, tell me why people just like to irritate other people? It's just annoying. Hahaha, those irritating fqrs. 1,3,5 tmrw, and I think it's gona be a good day ;] Anyways not much to say, I miss my ray. Goodnight!

hate is easy, love takes courage

So it's getting pretty late and I have to wake up in like six hours for school.. I don't even think my alarm clock is working O.O hopefully it still is.

Nothing blogworthy for tonight.

FML. lol

hi

you'd have to jump off a cliff in order to know how to build your wings to keep yourself from falling.

ray bradbury

People ask me to predict the future, when all I want to do is prevent it. Better yet, build it. Predicting the future is much too easy, anyway. You look at the people around you, the street you stand on, the visible air you breathe, and predict more of the same. To hell with more. I want better. - from beyond 1984: the people machines

If you can't read and write you can't think. Your thoughts are dispersed if you don't know how to read and write. You've got to be able to look at your thoughts on paper and discover what a fool you were.

personal history

project - checked

reflection eternal - nujabes

makes me want to just sit, stare and maybe read a book out on the lake.

I am wanting... so many things. ( or just two in general )
I don't know what I should do but to grasp whatever I can get a hold on to. So far so... calm.

I feel as if I'm missing something that I need. ( I have a feeling it's two people )
- my dad
*my dear... ?
^ I'm not even sure about that second one... Let's just see what god has in store for me as I keep moving.

- ugh I should be sleeping .. but I can't. I keep staring up at my ceiling. Wondering what the stars look like tonight. My parents are out and I'm keeping an eye on lucas while he's fast asleep.

I want something to happen. Something that would like change my life, even though everyday of my life changes. Gosh, I'm being so selfish I want so many things right now. All I can do is wait. wait. and wait. I mean it's not bad to wait, it's just I've been waiting for so long.

I keep giving and giving, leting things slide making everything ok again. I keep my mouth shut. My mind wide open. I suddenly want get by with things fastly even though I shouldn't. live life slow and love every moment. I'm longing for _ existence in my life. I wanna be completely satisfied ( which I am ) and feel amazing ( which I don't ) ray's right, maybe I do complain to much. but there's nothing I'm complaining about.. I just want . Forgive & never forget yet I pass by it. Oh how I wish that it was summer again, I really need to get out of here. Time alone in the quiet with nothing around me but nature itself. Maybe I should just forget about all this once more and just keep going the same way as usual, in time it would change. I just need to stop being so selfish and just be patient. I waited so long, I guess I can just wait a bit more. Sorry, but as I write down what's on my mind, everything get's a bit more clearer for me. I just need one thing.

& I need god...


random thought : I wonder if it'll ever happen..

illusion

so im on laying in bed on rays phone. and he's asleep. :) he's cute when he sleeps. lol anyways its hot i need to pee. so yesterday i went to the hospital. pray to god for rays grandma :( um i want fruit roll ups. i cant wait til the student store opens. anyways im gona get going now. haha peas

feeling good today

realer than a pick up line - antbeezy

invented sex

Oh man summers over :( It was great while it lasted. First day of school was today , oh man how gay was it. it was surely really odd. Damn it felt hella empty , I miss seeing my senior walking around campus :( *cough*ray* . :) haha and all the others, it's just see weird . It doesn't feel right most likely, ahhaa all these new freshmans, they get on my nerves, not because they're freshman, because they use to always get on my nerves anyways when i was in einstein. haha damn . oh wells, Two more years and I'm out! :D sighs, feels like freshman year went pretty fast. oh gosh, time is going way to fast, damn .


well to wrap this blog up , I'm so happy now that I've found someone. Not that he's mine and all that, just someone I met that I'm getting to know. It's ... nice :)